Trying To Understand
by straydogfreedom
Summary: Hotch was worried. Something's going on with Reid, and he wants to find out. - Is not and will not be slash. More Father/Son type relationship. Warning: Mentions of drug use and sexual abuse.
1. Chapter 1

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted. If anyone here who read my Harry Potter fanfic is reading this, I would really like to apologize and just say that I really do want to update on that but I'm just so stuck. Anyway, this is my first Criminal Minds fanfic, I hope it's not too bad. I will try to update this :) Please R+R.

* * *

Hotch was worried. He'd been quietly observing Reid over the past few days and was shocked and saddened by what he had noticed.

Reid had lost a lot of weight - **enough for there to be a noticeable difference** - over the short span of two weeks. He looked tired, his eyes were constantly red-rimmed and had dark and deep bags under them. Reid was naturally pale, but the new hue that his skin had taken was such a shade of white - **_almost translucent_** - that it was starting to scare Hotch, and whenever Hotch spoke to him he would tremble and refuse to look at his boss, as if he were scared of him or of what he might say. The most noticeable cjange was his confidence, which had dropped to an all-time low. When Reid had first joined the BAU, he was often afraid to speak up and spoke with a slight stutter whenever he was nervous, but with the reassurances and support from his mentor Jason Gideon he had overcome those issues and was now one of the finest agents in the bureau. Gideon had left the bureau spontaneously and without a proper goodbye except a letter addressed to Reid. Reid had been upset by Gideon's leaving, but it had not affected his performance as an agent and had seemingly only made him more confident. So it was particularly alarming for the stutter to return so suddenly and so drastically to the point that it now plagued his speech, making it near impossible for Reid to speak a simple sentence. So Hotch was worried, more worried than he ever had been before about the young genius. Even more so when Reid has been kidnapped and became involuntarily addicted to dilaudid. Reid's behaviour over the time following the kidnapping had been frightening and it was difficult to see such a change in him. But Reid had eventually overcome it.

Hotch still felt guilty over the fact that instead of confronting or offering support to Reid during that difficult time that instead he had chosen to turn a blind eye to it, watched Reid commit more reckless acts which could have resulted in him losing his job, or even worse. Being killed. Hotch wasn't going to let that happen. **Not again.**

It was a late Friday night and team had just returned from a case. Hotch followed closely behind as the team trudged into BAU HQ and put there stuff away so they could leave. Reid was walking with a slouch, the fatigue evident by the way he held himself. Hotch watched as he neatly organised his files on his desk. It was late and everyone just wanted to get home and go to bed. Hotch quickly put his things away in his office before going back into the bullpen. "Come on Reid, I'll take you home" Hotch said quietly to him.

Reid looked up at him surprise and what maybe was a hint of fear. Hotch couldn't tell.

"Um, n-no it's alright, I c-can f-f-find my own w-way" Reid stuttered in reply.

"No, I insist. It's cold, I don't want you to get sick." Hotch replied, a little louder and in what he hoped was a voice that left little to no argument.

"Alright" Reid quietly said as he finished stacking his files and picked up his messenger bag.

Hotch turned out the lights as they left the bullpen and walked at an even pace to the elevator listening carefully to ensure that Reid was following. Hotch doubted that he would run off, it was very un-Reid like, but Reid's actions over the past few weeks had been so un-Reid like that Hotch really had no idea what to expect from him.

In the SUV on the way home Hotch kept cautiously glancing at Reid who sat quietly in the passenger seat. It was clear that he was not comfortable with the situation at all, if the way he sat was anyway to measure it by. They had been driving for about ten minutes which had given the vehicle ample amount of time to heat up to a sufficient temperature, so there was no reason as to why Reid could be trembling right now. But _he was_, and it was frightening Hotch.

Hotch decided then that if he wanted to find out what was going on with Reid he would have to do it now. Reid couldn't run away, he couldn't hide, he would have to sit there and listen to what Hotch was going to say. Hotch knew that it was the perfect opportunity - _one that he might not get again_ - and if he didn't ask now, then he would probably never ask. So he swallowed his guilt and tried to forget about the fact that he had technically lured Reid into a trap where he would be unable to avoid Hotch.

"What's going on with you Reid?" He began gently.

"What?" Reid said, as he looked up at his boss with a shocked expression on his face.

"I know something's going on. Please talk to me. I want to help you." He replied. He had never been very good at playing the 'concerned friend' and even though he really WAS terribly worried about Reid he just couldn't seem to think of the right thing to say. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"It's... Its..." Reid stuttered out "It's nothing"

Hotch didn't talk for a few seconds as he debated with himself over what to say, he knew that Reid's previous answer implied that something **WAS** wrong, but that he didn't want to talk about it.

"It's not nothing Reid. The team is worried about you. _I'm worried about you_"

"You d-don't need to w-worry. I don't w-want you to worry." Reid said quietly. So quietly that Hotch had to strain to hear it. It was as if Reid was ashamed. **Ashamed that people were worried about him?**

"I'll still worry Reid. I'm sorry, but I can't just sit back and watch you fall apart in front of my eyes. Not this time. Please just tell me."

Reid was quiet for an impossibly long time. But when he finally did speak, Hotch almost wished he hadn't. He had expected many answers from Reid, but **NEVER** this.

"I've been taking dilaudid again Hotch."


	2. Chapter 2

Hi guys! Thanks for your reviews, they've been really nice :) In response to some of them I would like to say that this will **not** become a team fic and I intend to keep it just between Reid and Hotch! Also I would like to say that this is not going to follow Reid's recovery through his addiction, I'm just going to cover Hotch's initial discovery of Reid's problem and what he does to help Reid. I would maybe have liked to do a long fic but I haven't quite mastered the art of staying attached to a fic long enough to not abandon it and I really don't want to disappoint you guys!

Also there will probably be just one more chapter after this, I thought this would be the last one when I started writing it but I wanted to keep it to a reasonable length because the first chapter was roughly 1000 words and I didn't want to go too far over that just to keep things, idk even? Anyway, enjoy and please R+R!

**WARNINGS: **Small mention of drug use and mention of sexual abuse. If this offends you or might trigger you please don't read!

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Once Reid had confessed to Hotch that he had been using dilaudid the rest of the ride was spent in silence. Hotch tried to concentrate on driving, but all he could think about was that Reid was taking dilaudid and even more important, the reason why he was taking dilaudid, if there even was a reason. No, Hotch thought. **There had to be a reason.** Reid had been doing well for years, there was no reason as to why he would spontaneously begin to use again. It was in that exact moment that Hotch realised that something bad must have happened, something awful.

When they had reached Reid's house, Hotch stopped Reid from exiting the vehicle.

"Reid... Why don't you pack some stuff, and stay at my house tonight. I really think we need to talk about this." Hotch said to him.

"Hotch, p-please. C-can we just dr-drop it? I promise, I w-won't use again." Reid replied back to him, his tone pleading.

When Hotch saw Reid's face, he almost gave in, but then decided against it. Knowing that it wouldn't be a good idea to leave Reid alone and also that he really wanted - _no, needed_ - to talk to Reid.

"I'm sorry Reid, you're staying me, I want to help you, Please let me do that." Hotch responded.

The ride to Hotch's house was silent. Many times Hotch thought of starting a conversation, but was hushed by the look on Reid's face. Hell, Reid looked like he was going to cry. And, if Hotch's anxiety at the situation was anything to go by then Reid's nervousness must be sky high.

When they reached his house Hotch took Reid's bag and led him inside. He showed Reid to the guestroom and the bathroom where he instructed Reid to have a shower. Reid had just kept his head down the whole time, refusing to speak or even look at Hotch. Hotch didn't know what to say or do so he just gently closed the door and went into the kitchen to set about fixing himself and Reid something to eat. It was 15 minutes later when Reid entered the kitchen wearing a bleached white t-shirt and worn grey flannelette pyjama bottoms. His hair was dripping wet and made Reid look a whole lot younger than his actual age. Hotch felt saddened by the sight of it, Reid appeared so innocent yet so many awful things had happened to him in his short life that even now he still struggled to deal with.

"Why don't you sit down and eat Spencer, I made you a grilled cheese sandwich." Hotch did not usually call Reid by his first name, but this situation in itself was unusual so Hotch found it appropriate.

"Thanks" Reid quietly replied back to him, still refusing to look at his boss.

Hotch watched as his young agent sat down and begin to eat. It was good to see him eating, with the amount of weight he had lost over the past few weeks it was an open question if Reid was even eating at all, but Hotch knew that weight loss was a common side-effect of drug use. Shaking himself from his thoughts he silently sat down in front of Reid and began to eat his own sandwich.

"Why have you been using again Spencer?" Hotch spoke. The question was blunt, but quite frankly he knew no other way to say or put it, so it would have to do.

Reid looked up with a startled expression. He wasn't expecting Hotch to mention it tonight and was hoping that he would wait until tomorrow to talk about it, or more accurately he was hoping that Hotch would forget about the whole thing and never mention it again, but Reid knew that wasn't possible. He didn't know why he had told his superior. Hell, it had just slipped out, he had been pressuring him and he hadn't had enough time to think up a plausible story. What was Hotch going to do? Fire him? He deserved it but he couldn't, he would kick and scream before he let it happen, this job was the only thing he had left!

"U-um, I don't kn-know." Reid replied, silently cursing himself. He just couldn't seem to think of anything useful. Damn his brain, spurting out useless information that no one seemed to care about all the damn time, but when it was needed, it preferred to keep quiet. As if it liked to watch him **struggle**.

"You don't know?" Hotch sighed

"It's l-lots of r-reasons I guess."

"Is it because of anything recent? Have you been under a lot of pressure? Is it because of a case? Has something happened, something that I'm not aware of? Is someone hurting you?"

Reid looked down and angrily swiped at his eyes, he could feel his eyes getting hot and knew tears were threatening to fall. Again, he cursed his brain along with his body. **ALWAYS** betraying him. He didn't want to answer the question, _he didn't even know how to answer it_, but clearly he was going to go ahead and say something, whether HE wanted to or not.

"Yes. No. It's c-complicated."

"Complicated? How is it complicated Spencer?"

"I-It's... It's because of a c-case, but IT'S n-not necessarily because of the case but b-but" Reid knew he was making little sense, but he knew Hotch was smart, knew that he might understand. And, he really **DID** want him to understand, only because he didn't think he would be able to get the words out and it would be far too late to turn back. _He had already gone too far._

"Did the case remind you of something? Bring back some memories?" Hotch said, carefully piecing everything together in his mind. Already having some hint as to what case Reid was talking about.

Reid nodded silently, no longer having the courage to speak.

Hotch sighed and looked sadly at his young agent as he thought about the case that he somehow **knew** Reid was talking about. It had been about a month ago and it had affected the whole team, not only Reid. Hotch felt sick even thinking about it. A teenage boy, Nicholas Moffat, haunted by the sexual abuse he had suffered as a child had been kidnapping young boys and raping them before returning them to their parents. It was awful, seeing and speaking to those children who would have been so innocent just days ago and would now be haunted by this trauma for the rest of their lives. Moffat had kidnapped at least 14 boys before he had been caught. Hotch tried to calm himself as he thought over how it could relate to Reid, how Reid might have been hurt like these children when he was young. He was normally a stoic man - **he'd killed a man with his bare hands for god's sake** - but the thought of someone even hurting Reid like that was enough to make him nauseous.

"You're talking about the Moffat case, aren't you Spencer?" He had no idea what to say, no idea how to ease the awful feeling that had lodged its way into his stomach, no idea whether saying something would be better than saying nothing at all. But he wanted to know. _No, he needed to know_. He had to help Reid the genius, the agent, **his friend.**

Reid looked at Hotch then, his eyes wide and rimmed red, with such an intensity that it almost scared Hotch. Even looking at Reid, seeing how he was slightly shaking, how his skin had turned an unnatural shade of - _almost translucent_ - white, how he was clearly still dealing with this event that must have happened so long ago, but was still apparently fresh - **of course it was, he had an eidetic memory** - in the mind of Dr. Spencer Reid was enough to make him want to throw up and just run away and hide. But he had to be brave and he had to forget about himself, he wasn't important at the moment. If he couldn't think about this then how on earth could he convince Reid to talk about it?

"Were you hurt? Like those boys were?"

He watched as the tears started to fall and as Reid turned away from him. Hotch knew that this was probably as much confirmation as he was going to get from the genius. He sat there for what felt like hours, but what he knew was only minutes, as he listened to his young agent sob quietly. He had no idea what to say, what to do or how to fix this.

_What did they do to you Spencer?_


	3. Chapter 3

Wow, so I'd just like to say thanks for sticking with me through this **short **journey. I quite enjoyed writing this fic. Just a couple of notes, this chapters format is a litte bit different from the other two, I just though it looked a little better with Hotch's thoughts bolded and in italics. Also I got very confused about when Reid left Las Vegas to go to Caltech (I know that he was 12) so I just made it that he stayed in Las Vegas right up until he was 18. Also I'm a little bit disappointed in the ending, but I got really stuck and really didn't know what to write. Sorry! Oh and the "a good start" line at the end was basically because I was listening to the song **"A Good Start" **by Maria Taylor (I like the version from Savannah Drive with Andy LeMaster better) and it's a really good song, you should check it out! Anyway, thanks so much!

**WARNINGS: **Small mentions of sexual abuse and just a little mention to drug use.

* * *

Hotch sighed as he finally took a seat in his living room. It had been a **very** long night. One he hoped he never had to go through again. But he would if he had to. Over and over again.

_**He would do anything for his team. **_

Reid and he had talked for hours. Although, if he was _honest_ he would admit that it had mostly been

himself doing the talking, with Reid for the most part mumbling responses and talking in clipped sentences. Hotch knew that Reid really didn't want to be talking _at all_ so it was a miracle in itself that he got **anything** out of the genius. It didn't make him feel any better though. Some of the things that he and Reid had _discussed_ were things that he would have happily gone through life not knowing. **At all. **But of course, he knew that with his line of employment and all, it wasn't quite possible. Still, it didn't have him wishing any less. The things Reid had told him he wouldn't wish on anybody, not on the worst unsub they had **ever** dealt with, not even on the man that had murdered his wife. And that was really saying something.

Hotch had no idea who the man even was, Reid had refused to say, but he knew enough to know that he was a totally heartless monster. How someone could do that to a **child**, he had no idea. The man had been hurting Reid from the tender age of five until Reid was eighteen years old and was able to leave to go Virginia to begin his FBI training. Hotch shuddered as he recalled how Reid had told him that the man had initially started doing hurting him because he was too young and vulnerable to fight back. Then when Reid had grown older and had tried to stop the man from doing _it_ he had been coerced into keeping quiet by the man telling him that he would pay the bills. Hotch had almost cried as Reid explained how his mother had been far too sick to work and _**any**_ income was good income.

The worst was seeing how Reid talked about it. Hotch could clearly see the shame etched in Reid's eyes and the way he referred to himself with disgust, as if he were less than a person and that he had really almost _deserved_ what had happened to him.

_**Like he'd had a choice?**_

Hotch had spent a long time that night just **trying** to explain to Reid that he was not at fault – not in any way – and that he did what he thought was best in the quite literally impossible situation. He didn't really think it had helped though, Reid had just nodded and looked away.

After about three in the morning Hotch had kindly informed Reid that they should both probably head to bed and he had escorted Reid to the guest room, making a short trip to collect the night light from Jack's vacant room. He had subtly noticed the relief that had come across Reid's face as he had realised he wouldn't have to be sleeping in the dark. He had guided Reid to his bed and gently tucked him in. _As if he were a child._ Hotch should have felt weird doing it but it had felt appropriate, not only to help Reid but to help himself as way. He needed to know that Reid would be safe, otherwise he didn't think he would be able to sleep ever again.

_**He knew he definitely wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight.**_

"Spencer, if you need me I'll be in my bedroom down the hall and if I'm not there check my office or the living room, please don't hesitate of you need anything, anything at all. Even if I'm asleep, don't hesitate to wake me. Got that kid?"

Reid had looked up at Hotch incredulously. "Are... Are you sure? I-I don't want to bother you."

"Of course I'm sure. You could never bother me Spencer. Good night."

"Night, Hotch" Reid had responded as he'd tiredly turned over and shut his eyes.

Hotch had stood up and turned out the light, leaving the room he'd turned around, to make sure that the night light was on and working and also just to be sure that Reid was still there, warm and safe where no one could hurt him.

* * *

The next morning Hotch had had a very serious discussion with Reid about his drug use and about the idea of maybe seeing a therapist so he could work through some of his issues. Reid had promised Hotch that he was no longer going to use and that he would promise to speak to Hotch whenever he felt a craving or if he just needed someone to talk to. Hotch, in return, had promised that he would be there and willing to listen. **Always.**

_It wasn't much. But it was a start. **A good start.**_


End file.
